Cupcakes or a lady on the street and a freak in the bed.

It's noon on a Sunday and I haven't seen my fiance in over a month. I'm craving something naughty.

I used to date someone with an internet porn addiction. I could not understand it at the time. But today, whilst scouring the world wide web for wedding cupcakes, I'm starting to empathize with the intangible high of oodling sweet muffins you can't have. I started by looking up the sweet butter cream and merigue clusters of Sugar Sweet Sunshine. Tart lemon, sweet pistachio and pure coconut morsels layered on top of cupcake trees just asking for it. At $1.50 per cupcake, they truly are the bottom bitches of value. I then jump to BabyCakes with their spelt, dairy-free, egg-free agave sweetend little nature cakes that all of a sudden make me feel like I'm visually humping a birkenstock. Next I'm over to Billy's Bakery where the icing looks like it's been whipped like a gimp into a frothy tower. (Seriously, why isn't everything covered in icing?) But without a price tag anywhere in sight and an over hyping of an already too overly hyped flavor of red velvet. I feel like, I need something edgier. I need to go to the next level...And I'm not talking about the village door knobs (everyone's had a turn) Magnolia Bakery and Crumbs, I need the money shot. I'm going back to an old favorite. I used to date someone at the Cupcake Cafe. At the end of two months I had to decide, my waist line, or death by buttercream? I had to break it off...but I never forgot them. Visual stunners and affordable at $2.75-$4.00 for ordered small/large.

Eleni's is like the girl next door of cupcakes and at $60 for a cupcake tower for 100, she's a cheap date. The prices for personalized cupcakes skyrocket to about $50 for a dozen....hmmm maybe she won't put out after all. This is when I decide to go rogue and check out a Red Hook honey. Interestingly enough, the term "hooker" orignated from the women of the night in Red Hook, Brooklyn....maybe this is a sign. Anyway Baked seems to have it all: lusty, ecclectic flavors and a classy exterior. The Madonna and the whore.

After an hour of searching I have three appointments set up: Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Baked and Cupcake Cafe. Tune in sometime next week for the final show down!