Monday, February 14, 2011

Celebrity Highlights = Worst Hangover Ever

I made the almost fatal decision to get highlights this past Saturday after fannying around about it for weeks. My friend Alison, a single mom who shares my low maintenance philosophy in regards to appearance decided that she would bite the bullet too and so we searched for something we could both agree on. I wanted to go the cheap route and poured over lifebooker offers, cross checking them with yelp. She got referrals from her friends for colorists that cost no less than $225 a pop. Now I know that you shouldn't fuck around with your appearance too close to your wedding but I just could not rationalize spending that much on my hair. Eventually we settled on this guy named Ayman who owned his own salon on W 80th. He wanted to meet me for a pre color consultation and I talked him down from $180 to $140.

Now Jennifer Aniston may be alone and 40, but she also has what I have come to believe as being the best highlights on the planet. After an hour an a half with Ayman, I emerged with similar tresses. "Oh my God, Ayman! I look like Jennifer Aniston!" I screamed as I hugged him. I burst out of his salon checking myself out on every reflective surface. I went home to my fiance, swooshing my hair in his face, and said, "So, do you want to do me or what?! Well you can't because there is no way I'm getting this hair sweaty!" We got dressed and went out to meet up with my sister and her husband at  Valhalla in Hell's Kitchen where we promptly drank 4 beers each that unbeknownst to us, had an alcohol content of 9%. By the time we got to the Josh Ritter concert at Terminal 5, I was properly shitfaced, but it didn't matter because I had HIGHLIGHTS. When we got into the concert and couldn't find a decent view, I told my posse to to wait a minute. The false self-perception that the combined efforts of alcohol and highlights had given me lead me to talk our way into the VIP area where half the cast of The Office were enjoying the show. I practically knocked over Emily Blunt and introduced myself to John Krasinski by saying, "Hi John, you have to meet my brother in law, he's the best soccer player in the world." To which he surprisingly obliged and was very happy about. The rest of the night is pretty much a black out and I can't believe I blew the my second chance to chat up a man in my top 5 fantasy "If I could have sex with a celebrity" men (the first being Ryan Reynolds who I ran into jogging and to whom I said, "Ryan Reynolds! ....I'm a big fan" winkety wink wink). Seriously, how many more chances am I going to get?!

So the moral of the story is: getting Jennifer Aniston highlights does make you a celebrity, but if by any chance you get to pretend for a night, don't blow it by getting wasted and hitting on the husband of an Oscar nominee in front of your fiance with the lamest line of all time.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Celebrity Rings and a serious compulsion....

Ever since I got engaged I have become like a frenzied magpie when it comes to checking out other people's rings. This is not something I would necessarily own up to outside of my close circle of friends. But it doesn't change the undeniable fact that I am a rabid comparison shopper. For years I read the New York Times Style section just to aggregate my own romantic prospects as if I was gambling on oil futures. How far could I leverage the letters after my last name? How could so many people have gone to Ivy Leagues schools? Was I the only one not to sport the crimson of  HBS? Have I accomplished enough in my own life? Is my significant other a proper reflection of my own socio-economic aspirations?

Listen I know this sounds horrible, and I love my husband, but this is a blog and the rules of blog mean that I just can't lie about how shallow and materialistic I can really be. Tell me I was the only one at NYC pre-cana with her jaw on the ground due to the amount 2 carat + diamonds floating around????

90% of the time I love my ring. I wouldn't dream of having another ring. I'm aghast at the ridiculous prices people pay for rings. We got mine from an antiques dealer for 1/7 the appraised value. I'm very proud of that fact since the same gene that compels me to compare also allows scoring a deal  to be synonymous with romance. Seriously, I think the perfect proposal would be, "Darling, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and place on your finger this ring that I saved $3,000 on?"


This leads me to this next blog in which I allow my jealous streak to run amok and then satiate myself with some horrid monstrosities sported by the most coveted of creatures: celebrities.
 Salma Hayek
salmahayek Here we have my new obsession--OVAL diamonds. Not only do you have huge boobs and flawless skin, you get this 4 carat rock to wave in people's faces!  Damn you Salma. My only consolation is that you have to hump that old French frog at night.

 Katie Holmes
katie-holmes-ring.jpg I feel much better about this one because I don't think there is anyone in the world right now who would trade places to be Katie Holmes. Also, her husband wins the award for cheesiest proposal ever. Do you think he fucks her with that ridiculous steroid smile of his? CREEEEPY!!!!

 Mariah Carey
mariah-carey-ring.jpgNick Cannon- need I say more?

Carrie Underwood
carrieunderwoodHer husband Mike Fisher looks like a comic book hero, but at least her diamond looks like a petrified booger.

Katherine Heigl
katherine-heigl-ring.jpgI used to think Katherine Heigl lead a rarefied life....until I saw this monster! I don't care how big it is (3 carats)'s PEAR shaped!! Or should I say tear shaped like the tears I cry when thinking of this waste of a rock.

Khloe Kardashian
khloe So please don't judge me, but I actually have a soft spot in my heart for this Kardashian. I get the feeling that she knows this whole thing is a fucking joke. Plus she does not go out of her way to hide her drinking and raunch behavior. What a coincidence too that she married someone else that has the same exact, "Do you smell something stank?" smile. Like Elvis in fart factory.

Jennifer Aniston
aniston-ring.jpgBrad Pitt DESIGNED this one. No wonder Angelina doesn't want to marry him. It looks like a sparkly asshole.

Scarlett Johanson
scarjo-ring.jpg Two words: YELLOW GOLD!! But hell, if Ryan Reynolds proposed to me with an onion ring I'd say yes.

Ivanka Trump
ivanka Ok, this is nice. And I have a major Jew crush on her husband. At least her father in law is in jail and her dad looks like he's forever suffering from a bad enema.

Giselle Bundchen
giseleFuck you, Giselle. You fucking suck.

Ellen Pompeo
ellenpompeoI'm sorry, do we even care about you anymore McWhiny?

Zoey Dechanel
zooeymmmm, I heart asscher....also I could never wear bangs since my hair is curly...I want to be quirky and cool! aaahhhhh!!!!!

rebecca-romijn-ring.jpgHow many rings do you want Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell??? One for every name????

Adriana Lima
adrianaAt least I am consoled by this classic example of a beautiful woman marrying an ugly man...

Brooklyn Dekker
brooklyndeckerPuke. It still doesn't make your chin look smaller.

Katherine McPhee
katharine-mcpheeHer husband is like, a million years old.

Anna Pacquin
anna-paquin Rustic can be very nice, especially if it comes from the Clay Pot in Brooklyn. But this ring totally SUCKS (get it?!) Ok.

Ashley Simpson-Wentz
ashlee-simpson-ring.jpggetting a divorce

Elin Woods
elin-ring divorced

Eva Longoria
eva-longoria-ring.jpg Divorced

Sandra Bullock
sandy Divorced

Christina Aguilera
christina-aguilera-ring.jpgDivorced and unpatriotic

I'm seeing a pattern here....

And the award for the ugliest celebrity goes to Fergie:

fergie-wedding-ring.jpg That is downright pukealicious.

Alright. The catharsis is over. I can happily go back to my half carat now.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Mild-mannered pedagogue by day.....The Best Officiant in NYC by night!

The great thing about working in a school is that all other teachers have a secret identity.  It is true.  Math teachers double bill as stage managers for independent theatre companies and moonlight on reality TV dating shows while social studies teachers spend Saturday afternoons jamming with alt rock tribute bands.  The most wondrous alter-ego I have ever encountered involved a septuagenarian English teacher, eyes all soft and wet with senility and who baked cakes shaped like bunny faces. After a year or so of encountering his morning pleasantries I discovered through a friend he had offered a lift home, that this little oversized sweater wearing grandpappy had a secret stash of whips and chains in the trunk of his crown Victoria and a fully equipped basement of leather daddy delights.   When not reciting the “Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by day, this Martha Stewart-cum-masochist was popping rubber balls into the mouths of his objects of desire.
But I digress…
The objective of this post is to tell you of a remarkable discovery I made while at a work retreat last year.  A few of us pedagogues were chatting around the morning breakfast table at a Stamford hotel, when a friend mentioned she needed to get married within the next month or her marriage license would expire.  Another teacher casually mentioned that she could be her ordinant.  “You can marry people?” we gasped in delight.  Turns out she was ordained through that internet church and had married two friends of hers before. So we took out our smart phones and began to schedule this wedding in from soups to nuts in the matter of 10 minutes.  Not only was my friend Susannah a fantastic ordinant, she was so good I recommended her to my sister, a notorious micro manager who is not easily pleased.  After one phone call, my sister and her husband were raving about Susannah and how she listened so well to what they wanted and gently suggested some other pieces to add to the ceremony that were so endearing in others she had participated in.
The day of the wedding, there were so many compliments on the day, but especially for Ms. Susannah Conn.  I whole heartedly approve her—so much so that I’m having her do the music at my Catholic ceremony in February. She even has a CD coming out soon!  She is pretty, smart, articulate and talented and will not go off on some ridiculous rant as some crazies do and takes the time to truly know the couple. Here are her prices for officiating, you’ll have to email her for her music fees:  standard non-religious ceremony would be $300 a custom built one would be $500. Includes phone consultation, rehearsal, ceremony and copies of paperwork.” Her email is