Friday, February 11, 2011

Celebrity Rings and a serious compulsion....

Ever since I got engaged I have become like a frenzied magpie when it comes to checking out other people's rings. This is not something I would necessarily own up to outside of my close circle of friends. But it doesn't change the undeniable fact that I am a rabid comparison shopper. For years I read the New York Times Style section just to aggregate my own romantic prospects as if I was gambling on oil futures. How far could I leverage the letters after my last name? How could so many people have gone to Ivy Leagues schools? Was I the only one not to sport the crimson of  HBS? Have I accomplished enough in my own life? Is my significant other a proper reflection of my own socio-economic aspirations?

Listen I know this sounds horrible, and I love my husband, but this is a blog and the rules of blog mean that I just can't lie about how shallow and materialistic I can really be. Tell me I was the only one at NYC pre-cana with her jaw on the ground due to the amount 2 carat + diamonds floating around????

90% of the time I love my ring. I wouldn't dream of having another ring. I'm aghast at the ridiculous prices people pay for rings. We got mine from an antiques dealer for 1/7 the appraised value. I'm very proud of that fact since the same gene that compels me to compare also allows scoring a deal  to be synonymous with romance. Seriously, I think the perfect proposal would be, "Darling, will you do me the honor of becoming my wife and place on your finger this ring that I saved $3,000 on?"


This leads me to this next blog in which I allow my jealous streak to run amok and then satiate myself with some horrid monstrosities sported by the most coveted of creatures: celebrities.
 Salma Hayek
salmahayek Here we have my new obsession--OVAL diamonds. Not only do you have huge boobs and flawless skin, you get this 4 carat rock to wave in people's faces!  Damn you Salma. My only consolation is that you have to hump that old French frog at night.

 Katie Holmes
katie-holmes-ring.jpg I feel much better about this one because I don't think there is anyone in the world right now who would trade places to be Katie Holmes. Also, her husband wins the award for cheesiest proposal ever. Do you think he fucks her with that ridiculous steroid smile of his? CREEEEPY!!!!

 Mariah Carey
mariah-carey-ring.jpgNick Cannon- need I say more?

Carrie Underwood
carrieunderwoodHer husband Mike Fisher looks like a comic book hero, but at least her diamond looks like a petrified booger.

Katherine Heigl
katherine-heigl-ring.jpgI used to think Katherine Heigl lead a rarefied life....until I saw this monster! I don't care how big it is (3 carats)'s PEAR shaped!! Or should I say tear shaped like the tears I cry when thinking of this waste of a rock.

Khloe Kardashian
khloe So please don't judge me, but I actually have a soft spot in my heart for this Kardashian. I get the feeling that she knows this whole thing is a fucking joke. Plus she does not go out of her way to hide her drinking and raunch behavior. What a coincidence too that she married someone else that has the same exact, "Do you smell something stank?" smile. Like Elvis in fart factory.

Jennifer Aniston
aniston-ring.jpgBrad Pitt DESIGNED this one. No wonder Angelina doesn't want to marry him. It looks like a sparkly asshole.

Scarlett Johanson
scarjo-ring.jpg Two words: YELLOW GOLD!! But hell, if Ryan Reynolds proposed to me with an onion ring I'd say yes.

Ivanka Trump
ivanka Ok, this is nice. And I have a major Jew crush on her husband. At least her father in law is in jail and her dad looks like he's forever suffering from a bad enema.

Giselle Bundchen
giseleFuck you, Giselle. You fucking suck.

Ellen Pompeo
ellenpompeoI'm sorry, do we even care about you anymore McWhiny?

Zoey Dechanel
zooeymmmm, I heart asscher....also I could never wear bangs since my hair is curly...I want to be quirky and cool! aaahhhhh!!!!!

rebecca-romijn-ring.jpgHow many rings do you want Rebecca Romijn Stamos O'Connell??? One for every name????

Adriana Lima
adrianaAt least I am consoled by this classic example of a beautiful woman marrying an ugly man...

Brooklyn Dekker
brooklyndeckerPuke. It still doesn't make your chin look smaller.

Katherine McPhee
katharine-mcpheeHer husband is like, a million years old.

Anna Pacquin
anna-paquin Rustic can be very nice, especially if it comes from the Clay Pot in Brooklyn. But this ring totally SUCKS (get it?!) Ok.

Ashley Simpson-Wentz
ashlee-simpson-ring.jpggetting a divorce

Elin Woods
elin-ring divorced

Eva Longoria
eva-longoria-ring.jpg Divorced

Sandra Bullock
sandy Divorced

Christina Aguilera
christina-aguilera-ring.jpgDivorced and unpatriotic

I'm seeing a pattern here....

And the award for the ugliest celebrity goes to Fergie:

fergie-wedding-ring.jpg That is downright pukealicious.

Alright. The catharsis is over. I can happily go back to my half carat now.

1 comment:

  1. This will give me the necessary laffs to get through V-Day! thank you, FIF!